It's been a really long time since I posted!  There has been so much change...

I am back in school, studying for my PhD.  It's wonderful, exciting, scary and overwhelming.  I am ridiculously happy to be back on campus.  Feels like the right place to be!  I am working as a graduate research assistant, which means my tuition is paid and I get a small stipend for working 20 hours per week. This means new adventures in learning balance (the yoga of life)!!!!!  Here's a link to read about the grant I will be working on for the next five years.  (Yes, I said five years...)  The BIG grant  It's all so very exciting and makes me feel renewed.

The kids are supportive.  It's nice to feel like I am pursuing something just for myself, yet knowing it will touch the lives of many others.  I know it will take all of us pulling together to reach this goal, but I am determined.

I also moved into the eruv (an area around the synagogue where observant people live).  I am so glad to be here and it feels homey.  I think we are all happy here and now we can walk together to services every Shabbat.... well, that's the theory anyway.  Right now my back is hurting too much to walk the few blocks.  But I have faith that it will heal and I'll be walking every week soon!

So, I know I have a wonderful supportive community of friends living around me who give more than one can reasonably expect.  I am surrounded by youth and vigor, as well as being part of important work I find challenging, fulfilling and geared to making a huge difference for our youth struggling with reading.  I am learning and growing.  So, I look forward to a whole new year of realizing each day that single does not mean alone!

Sick of being sick.....

This week we all shared a virus.  Last weekend my youngest had a terrible stuffy, runny nose, a fever and tummy ache.  Then the oldest got it.  He had a low-grade fever and achey tummy.  Me, well, I was next in line.  I never really felt horrible, but I didn't feel good either.  The kids left for the weekend, and I crawled under my favorite blanket to convalesce.  Here are the thoughts I had while I was under there....

• Sometimes it's good to be alone.  No one watches you when you feel horrible, look horrible, need a shower, etc.  On the other hand, no one makes you tea or reads to you until you feel better.

• Sometimes you want to reach out and talk to someone, but then you forget to pay your phone bill, and..... yeah, no phone calls (which makes Shabbos immensely easier for me).  On the other hand, sometimes the phone feels like my enemy.  There are days I don't have the wherewithal to have another phone conversation.  It just seems to distract me, drain my energy and leave me feeling like everyone needs my attention all at once.  I know it makes my friends frustrated, but sometimes not answering my phone is the only "empowered" moment of the day.  It isn't about the person calling.  It's about my needing to carve out some time when I don't have to be everything to everybody.  So, as George Costanza would say, "It isn't you; it's me."

• Watching a beautiful snow fall from under a cozy comforter can be more entertaining than anything on TV.

• Sometimes I wish my house was quiet.  Other times the quiet can feel oppressive.

• Warm showers, hot tea and humidifiers are healing.

I am tired of feeling sick.  I am looking forward to having a busy week with everyone feeling good.  Bring on the challenges that await.  I am feeling much better......

What our ancient wisdom says about getting angry...

click here to hear what the Talmud says about anger

Everyone gets angry sometimes, but can anyone around you stay happy when you are angry?  How much harm do we inflict on the people we love when our reaction is out of anger and not love?  Does anyone benefit from your angry words or looks?

I know it's hard.  Anyway, I know it's hard sometimes for me.

I have a friend who is almost always kind.  I have never seen her angry.  She actually told me that once when she was in a bad mood, she told her children, "I need you not to be around me right now.  Not because of you, but because I love you so much, and I wouldn't want anyone, especially me, to treat you unkindly just because they're in a bad mood."  Wow.  How much more loved would my kids feel if I just stopped and remembered her words when I start to feel that frustration and anger start to build?  Stop to say, "Because I love you, I want you to not be around me right now.  You are too precious to me."  Really, I watch her parenting her 10, yes, 10 kids, and know that I have been blessed to have her in my life, as a friend and as a role model.

I wonder how many marriages would not have ended in divorce if everyone learned to speak from their love instead of from their anger and frustration.

I'm just sayin'.......

A dirty house doesn't make you a bad person

I hired a couple of people to come clean my house. Those who know me well, know that my house is not clean. Sometimes it is dirty, but almost always it is messy. It is something I have struggled with all my days. My room at home often made my mother cringe. I like things clean and tidy. I am not good at making them that way or keeping them that way. Even when I have the best intention of doing so.... I guess that's way down on my priority list.

I have emotionally beat myself up over my lack of housework prowess. It has been a source of humiliation and guilt for me. I often felt like a bad person for having a messy, sometimes dirty house. I often don't want people to come over and discover my "dirty little secret." This was also a HUGE source of discontent in my marriage. I married a man who once came home from a work trip and said "I see the house is a pig sty, and the pig is sitting on the couch." Harsh, but not as bad as the things I had been telling myself for many years.

One of my very best friends, whose house is often gorgeous and almost always "company ready" said to me one day, "Lisa, having a messy house, or even a messy life does not make you a bad person!" I cried. Inside I thought to myself, "Yes. It does." Many of my friends have messy houses and messy lives. I would never think that made them bad people. No, only I deserve such unkind treatment. I wasn't ready to accept her hypothesis where I was concerned, but my friend's words stayed with me, echoing somewhere in the back of my mind.

So, I almost reverted back to my self-defeating way of thinking when my hired hands arrived today. They were awed by the mess. There was much discussion between them about how "bad" it was, how "dirty" and "filthy." After a few hours one came to me and said, "This is just overwhelming. We don't even know how to tackle this." Meanwhile, they had made the kitchen spotless.

I replied, "Yes. I know that feeling very well. That's how it got this way. I know it is a big mess, but I guess you tackle it one room at a time." I told myself, "Having a dirty house doesn't make you a bad person."

The cleaning gal asked, "Don't you have any friends who will come and help you?"

I smiled and shook my head no. I didn't tell her that my friends have their own messy houses. When we are together, it is so much more important for us to enjoy our time, laughing, discussing current events, books we've read. I need just as much help letting off steam from my stressful life. I value their friendship so much. I would rather spend the little money I have and give someone the opportunity to make a living by being good at what I am not good at. I didn't say that either, but I thought it. And the thought of having a coffee, prowling the bookstore, enjoying a well-cooked meal with my many friends made me smile even bigger.

I know there are ways to overcome this problem of mine. I know that I could add more stress to my life by constantly being angry at my kids (and myself) for not doing their share. Actually, that's exactly what I have been doing for years. I think my friend's words finally hit home. I can be a bad housekeeper. It really is okay. It doesn't define me. How freeing to just let it go and know that I still have worth, value and goodness. Even when my house is an overwhelming mess!

Urgent did not become emergent...

I woke up thinking, "Wow, it's chilly in here, but then it is supposed to be very cold again today." I went about my business, until around 2:00, when I realized it was more than chilly. A quick check of the thermostat revealed that it was 55 degrees in my house.

Uh oh.

I called the repairman. No one answered. Voice mail. They called back more than an hour later. "We'll have our technician call you. He can definitely get right to you."

Okay, I thought, it isn't so bad as I donned a hat and mittens. Two hours later, when the technician called to tell me I was 5th on his list and he was the only tech working on the Kansas side tonight, I added my coat.

By the time he arrived at 8:30, I was hiding under my son's down comforter with my imitation Uggs. I greeted him at the door and announced, "I don't usually dress like a bag-lady. Please come in and fix my heat!"

He disappeared into my basement, but not for long. "I can see exactly what's wrong. Your emergency shut-off sensor is stuck in the closed position. Under no circumstances am I supposed to circumvent the emergency shut-off sensor, but, well, it's currently 46 degrees in your house. This a part I can't get until Monday. So..."

"Uh huh," I answered. "What would the possible consequences be if you circumvent the sensor?"

"Well, it's there to keep your house from catching on fire if the heater isn't working right...."

"Ummmm. Fire would be bad. Frozen pipes would also be bad."

He smiled and said, "I'm going to monitor your heater very carefully for an hour. Then we'll decide what to do."

Well, the good news is: my pipes didn't freeze and my house hasn't burned down. Thank you, Mr. Technician!

And my mind will be more at ease when he replaces the sensor tomorrow!

Thanks to all the friends who offered their beds, couches and apartments. Thanks also to the ones who said, "WHY didn't you call me????!!!!"

Rough mornings can lead to great days....

It was a rough start to Shabbos all the way around. Working later than planned, having a son who was not feeling great after a too exciting New Year's Eve and being totally unprepared made it a rocky start. Then this morning one son woke up on the wrong side of every bed we own! He was angry about everything. My reaction was not so great. I took it WAY too personally and we fought the whole way to shul. That really isn't how we normally "celebrate" Shabbos. I sat near tears in the hallway and tried to smile a greeting to all my friends. Some gave me encouragement and others gave me company. One good friend said "why don't you come for lunch."

I thought "yeah, why don't I?" And from that moment on, my day got better. My son actually apologized to me for his comments on the way. That almost never happens. Then I told my friends about some of the complicated things going on in my life, and we all hung out and drank tea. There was an incident between the kids, but all tears have dried, and I now have a house full of boys! My two and 3 borrowed for the night. What fun!

The last blog was about how grateful I am for my friends. Well, today they put it into action. Once again, I am left thinking, where would I be without them? How would I survive without my community? How would I survive without Shabbos?

So to my friends, near or far, whether we spoke today or many years ago. You, yes, you are what make my days better and my years memorable. Thanks for all you do and knowing when to call or make me a cup of tea. Thanks. No, really, I owe you one!

Counting blessings!

I am so grateful to my friends! I rely on them for so much. They are the ones who save me from falling into depression and feeling overwhelmed on a regular basis. I have several friends who are in great marriages. They are the ones I use as examples when I talk to my kids about relationships. I am more than blessed to have them invite my family to their homes, where my boys can see how a loving, caring man acts toward his wife and kids. It gives me hope that I won't be raising two more men who don't know how to love anyone other than themselves. Thank you. I pray that one day I will find a man like that and be a part of a partnership in life. Until then, please keep inviting us. I need you!

I have wonderful Rabbis in my life who guide and teach me and my children. One who saved the day yesterday, reminded me how important it is to just have some fun and being able to say "yes" is just as important as it is to say "no." What a blessing! Thank you, my learned friends, for reminding me of what I already know and teaching me new ways to get through each day with a closer connection to our Creator.

My boys are also so precious to me. Their laughter, smiles, jokes and general happiness can relieve any bad mood that may have come over me. When I wonder why I make myself crazy with all the things going on in my life, all I have to do to feel rejuvenated and able to take on the world again is find a way to make them really laugh. Then all is good in the world again!